New Ways to Think About Parenting and Technology
The Autonomy-Supportive Diaries
The Problem
On the heels of scary research findings and expert warnings, not to mention our personal experiences of “too much technology” via our child’s post-iPad meltdowns or our own mind-numbing scrolling habits, restricting our children’s technology use makes sense. Limits are generally critical for our child’s healthy development, whether that’s being strapped into a carseat despite protest or having privacy settings secured on social media platforms.
The problem comes when parents become overly focused on technology as a problem (a fear fueled by media), and the fixation on limits grows into a larger problem than the actual technology.
Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents. Then the parents blame the [insert tech of choice here] for their child being more withdrawn and disconnected. I have witnessed this in my therapy office.
If blinded by their laser focus on the ills of technology, parents don’t see how the quality of their relationship may be influencing their child’s behavior more than time on the phone. (I hear about it from the child in session.)
Today I’m going to address two key areas of focus for parenting around technology: 1. Our parent-child relationship as we navigate digital life; and 2. The possibility that our child’s high tech use is more of a symptom than THE problem to address. If these two areas become more central than the technology itself, we can find more clarity and calm in this maelstrom of parental anxiety.
Solution 1: The Relationship
If you’re new here, the whole premise of my book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting, rests on Self-Determination Theory, which posits that all humans have three fundamental needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When those needs are met, we experience happier and healthier lives. (That is the shortest explanation ever. Read more here.) It may be labeled a theory, but decades of research around the world have backed the theory with evidence. Rooted in Self-Determination Theory, autonomy-supportive parenting principles and practices nurture these three fundamental needs in our children.
Using this framework when discussing parenting around technology, relatedness can serve as the lynchpin of limit-setting. Relatedness being the parent-child relationship, one in which the child feels loved, accepted, and emotionally safe. If we prioritize relatedness as the foundational ingredient for nurturing our child’s other needs of competence and autonomy, tech use doesn’t have to be a battle zone in family life. Or at least, not a constant one.
So, how can we leverage the power of relatedness when it comes to parenting and technology? By using what I have coined as the Three C’s: curiosity, communication, and connection.1
The Three C’s
To start, consider this common negative loop:
Does this feel familiar? I’ve certainly lived this loop – and I’ve worked hard to not get stuck there. In this loop, the technology holds the power. In this loop, there’s little curiosity, communication, or connection.
Now, see if you can spot the Three C’s in a more positive sequence that brings forward movement instead of the feeling of Groundhog Day.
There’s communication and connection happening at every step, as well as curiosity about what’s working and what’s not. This sequence allows for a collaborative process that gives a child the opportunity to learn about how they respond to technology and keeps the parent and child connected rather than divided in the process. In this sequence, our relationship holds the power, which grants us more influence.
Solution 2: Think Differently
The change doesn’t need to only come from how we interact with our children around technology, but how we think about technology’s role in our children’s lives.
I don’t disagree that technology overuse can contribute to symptoms of depression and anxiety. This will be true much of the time, but not all of the time. I suggest we pay more attention to is the possibility that overuse could result from mental health symptoms, or other regular struggles, that do not originate with technology.
I propose we stop blanket blaming technology for our children’s mental health problems and look more closely at what’s happening in our child’s life on a personal level. We might see that technology use is a symptom of what we really need to pay attention to.
Zoom Out, Redistribute Vigilance
My nine-year-old’s recent shift in the Fortnite Creep I wrote about in the last newsletter helped inspire today’s themes.
A two-day, soccer tournament requiring an overnight hotel stay with his team meant a forced break from my son’s intensifying Fortnite habit.
During the tournament weekend, the team won all four games, including a nail-biter championship game. With only two goals allowed all weekend, my son felt instrumental since he prides himself as a strong defender (a key part of his current identity). The team enjoyed a two-hour pool and pizza night after the first day, and bowling and mini golf in between games on the second day.
My little man of few words may not have articulated this, but I could feel how that sense of purpose (helping his team to victory with his defense skills) and sense of belonging with the team community boosted his overall sense of well-being so that when he returned, Fortnite was still fun, but not as powerful.
If you zoom out from your child’s technology use, how do you perceive your child’s overall life satisfaction? What lights up your child outside of TikTok or Fortnite? Where do they get their cups filled — which people or activities “give them life”?
In autonomy-supportive language, how much are they feeling a sense of agency in their daily lives? How’s the exploration of their sense of self coming along? (Agency and strong sense of self are two primary features of autonomy.) How competent and confident are they feeling in school, socially, and other important areas of life?
To what extent are your child’s fundamental human needs of autonomy, competence, and relatedness being fulfilled? Where could they use support?
You might immediately have some ideas, you might not. Regardless, these questions can guide more curiosity with your child. If your child is unsure about their passions beyond what they do on their devices, it’s probably time for some intentional exploration of new hobbies.
I agree that larger systems need to take action to shift norms around technology use in our youth, such as school policies about phones and lawmakers regulating social media companies. When it comes to our child inside of our home system, however, I wonder what would happen if we widen the focus on all parts of our children’s lives but the tech? Many parents are already highly vigilant about their children’s technology use, but what if we redistributed this vigilance to other areas so tech didn’t get so much heat?
The technology may not be going anywhere, but we can work with our kids to reduce its power. Keeping up curiosity, communication and connection along the way.
What are helpful ways you think about technology that helps you in your parenting? What have you noticed about how technology affects your parent-child relationship? Leave a comment!
In parenting solidarity!
Emily
**You can order Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.
These are very common concepts in parenting guidance, so I apologize if I inadvertently appropriated from another writer.
I appreciate this perspective on a topic that has certainly been a central source of conflict in our home. I think what we don’t talk enough about is the decline of our neighborhood communities and the parallel decline of unstructured free play. Filling our children’s cups, so to speak, has become all about driving our kids to structured activities, which unfortunately can deplete our own cups and also doesn’t teach our kids how to autonomously engage in creative free play during the hours that they’re home.
My 8yo son has recently found a rare group of kids whose parents let them run and bike all over the neighborhood. Guess what? He now often opts to skip his computer time so he can go climb trees and play hide-and-seek. As parents, I believe the single best way to decrease tech overuse is to foster vibrant communities that naturally give rise to unstructured free play opportunities with other children (that require no planning or chauffeuring on our end). Easier said than done, of course, but it would ultimately lighten our load, too!
I want to shout this from the rooftops, & I wish *you were getting national & international attention to spread this msg. The voices that are most amplified right now are too-focused on the tech, in my opinion (& experience). What you are describing WORKS, is grounded in good theory & research, and FEELS BETTER/is more pleasant for both parents & kids. I know; I have lived it.