My husband and I are the first people I know to dislike Netflix’s most buzzed about show this year, Adolescence.1

When I first saw it pop up on my Netflix screen, the plot summary assured me I didn’t want to watch it. Friends texted about how well-done the show was. A podcast invited me to participate in a panel to respond to the show. The think pieces started rolling into my inbox. I realized, in a first, that my work required watching TV.

I drafted my husband to watch with me although he too had no desire to spend his downtime on this subject matter. However, my request wasn’t just for him to keep me company; he is a forensic psychologist who specializes in juvenile justice. I wanted his expert opinion.

So, we white-knuckled through the episodes, pacing each one a week apart. Despite not enjoying the show, I agree it’s an important watch – not for parents needing to be more freaked out about what kids are doing alone in their rooms – but for me, a parenting writer doing my small part to instill calm and reason into our current atmosphere of relentless panic.

My final take was that the artistic feat of one-shot episodes and incredible performances disguise that this show will operate for many as another tool of exaggeration to instill fear and incite more control over our teens.

Despite its shiny wrapper of prestige TV, Netflix’s four-episode series embodies what’s wrong in our parenting culture: pervasive fear and a lack of trust in our children. (Content warning: the rest of this essay assumes you know the basic premise of the show! If you haven’t watched yet, plan to, and don’t want to know, skip to my movie recs below.)

The Problem with the Series: Be Very Afraid

There’s no way around the take-home message: what your teens are doing online alone in their rooms could make them kill someone. This message is unavoidable, especially because the four one-hour episodes leave more questions than answers about the why of the crime. Experiencing cyberbullying and having contact with the toxic “manosphere” could reasonably create conditions for aggressive behavior, but are not sufficient explanations for a gruesome murder. I kept waiting for more back story that never came.

My husband has spent his career working with juvenile offenders, conducting competence evaluations and risk assessments. He has been the psychologist in the room in episode three. Here’s his expert opinion: although not impossible, it is highly atypical for a teen with Jamie’s history and background to so suddenly progress to the most violent of crimes.

We agreed that because the show does not satisfactorily answer what led this baby-faced 13-year-old to homicidal violence, that vacuum leads us to believe that it could happen to any baby-faced 13-year-old. Including our own child.

Yet, no matter how improbable the story line, the fear seed has been planted. The stunning performances help us really feel what it would be like for our child to have murdered someone. In the last episode, the final scene of the parents reckoning with their guilt, admitting they didn’t know what their son was doing online all those hours alone in his room and that they should have “done more,” wrecked me. It’s truly every parent’s worst fear and the show played on that by design.

The reality is that some parents do need to pay more attention to their kids, and a shot of fear that their kid could commit murder may work to motivate better oversight. However, parents who are already worried about their children’s digital lives (most of us) do not need this level of hyperbolic fear. In fact, there’s evidence that parents’ anxiety about aspects of their child’s tech use predicts more problems in the parent-child relationship than the technology use itself.2

As I’ve discussed at length in previous newsletters,3 we need a more nuanced view of how to approach parenting and technology. This show worked against that nuance and fed the ravenous beast of fear in parenting.

The Problem with Episode 2: Teenism

My other main gripe about this critically hailed series is how it represents teenagers, which has ramifications for how we treat them.

Whether show creators intended to or not, whether viewers consciously noticed or not, the second episode was a warning bell that teenagers cannot be trusted to be autonomous.

The entire hour was shot at Jamie’s school, following the detectives through a maze of classrooms, one-on-one interviews with students, and even a chaotic fire drill that ended with a girl violently beating a boy while others cheered (this attack had a connection to the murder, but this story line went nowhere beyond this eruption of violence, of note committed by a Black girl). Throughout this school-centered episode, teens were yelling at teachers, running away from authority figures, and blatantly defying rules like a mob overthrowing public order.

Awestruck at the way the kids were portrayed, my husband and I wondered aloud, “is this a school for troubled kids or something?” This is not how most teenagers go through the world.

The scenes illustrated the worst stereotypes of teenagers as out-of-control, disrespectful, and in need of adults to keep them in line. I caught at least two instances in the background of a teacher admonishing a student to “put away your phone”– a subtle hint at the source of the problem: phones are making teens feral, to the point of violence and anarchy.

In her groundbreaking book, The Breakthrough Years, veteran child development researcher

Netflix’s Adolescence feeds many of the worst stereotypes teens are already struggling to overcome, stereotypes that bring parents back to the natural conclusion that our teens need us to be more controlling. This is false and dangerous.

Galinsky found her way into my heart with her heavy emphasis on the science of supporting teens’ autonomy as a central component of raising thriving teens. The science of how supporting our teen’s autonomy promotes our relationship with them along with their resilience and skill-building pervades her book. And it’s not just Ellen and me shouting from the rooftops about supporting autonomy.

Another recent, paradigm-shifting book, The Disengaged Teen by Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson (

Instead of latching onto a vision of the modern teenager as a wild, rebellious, phone-addicted, anxious mess incapable of agency and independence, we need to expand the lens to see the whole of this generation – their struggle and their strengths. It’s harder to do this when a massively watched hit show and bestselling book (you know which one) that are dominating cultural conversations encourage the exact opposite.

Constructive Concern

If you enjoyed the show (well, enjoy may be a strong word – maybe appreciate/admire/ recommend) without all these deep thoughts, I respect that. I realize that I came to the viewing experience with a particular lens filtered by my immersion in the current media landscape of fear in parenting, especially surrounding technology and phones. My antennae are finely tuned to the vibrations of this fear messaging.

If watching the show has caused you more anxiety and tech vigilance, and if that has come along with more conflict with your child, I hope this analysis can be a helpful re-frame to talk you off the ledge. If you weren’t really concerned about cyberbullying and the manosphere, maybe this show did its job by activating you to become more aware.

We undoubtedly need to have a sense of how our teens are spending their time, but parents as a collective have never known and will never know every minute of goings-on in our teens’ lives. Nor should we for the sake of adolescents developing independence and autonomy. We can’t control every portal of influence; a truth arguably more indisputable now than in any other time in history.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t be worried. We need a healthy level of concern to keep us aware of and engaged in our children’s tech lives. There’s clear evidence of threat in these tech lives and we should stay informed of all the bad actors, from influencers monetizing the -isms to the social media companies intentionally capitalizing on addictive behaviors. There are real threats – and we can’t control everything our children do.

This is why I keep coming back to what matters most, and what we have the most influence over: our relationship with our child. We need to stay aware so we can have discussions with our children, to understand their experience and engage their critical thinking. Our teens are more likely to share what they’re struggling with and avoid the most terrible of outcomes when they feel like we will listen, support, understand, and NOT control them.

The problem is that would just be boring TV.

Have you watched the show? What are your thoughts?

Leave a comment

How I’ve Been Relaxing!

This week’s theme is rom-coms that are smart and edgy, not schmaltzy.

Since I haven’t figured out how to select images that don’t get cropped by Substack, I will spell out that the first is Rye Lane on Hulu and the second is Stay the Night on Amazon Prime. Both have great banter and some fun plot twists, light but with depth and heart. Bonus: They are both right around the 90-minute mark! What is this nonsense with 2.5-3-hour movie times lately? We don’t have time for that.

ICYMI: One-on-one coaching available!

I'm now offering one-on-one coaching sessions for parents who need practical solutions, not perfect parenting theories. We'll start with a single consultation—zero pressure, no long-term commitment—and decide together if more support makes sense for your situation.

What parents tell me makes the difference is that I meet them exactly where they are—insecurity, self-doubt, paralysis—and help them feel more confident and empowered in making forward progress. With me, you'll get:

• A truly judgment-free zone where I’m also more transparent about my struggles than in public because I believe in the shared humanity of the complicated parenting journey

• Science-backed strategies that create lasting change (because we've got no time for solutions that fizzle out after a week)

• Customized guidance designed specifically for your unique child and family situation—not generic advice from a parenting manual

Sound appealing? Book your first consultation session now or email me for more information at emily@emilyedlynnphd.com

How’s your May going? Thanks to

In parenting solidarity,

Emily